Boring Award Shows

**** on a side note, I really hate the fact that MSN doesn’t allow clip/paste in this. I have had so many things fucked up because of varying problems it’s a wonder I still use this at all!! ****

Their was an article recently in in their Gay Television and Pink Tube section by Duane Wells. In it the article spoke about the recent trend of boring award shows that only seem to be televised for the sake of the people who are receiving the actual awards, their friends and family. Being televised, I’m certain that we the audience are missing out on a good portion of the show, the ones that the camera and producers deliberately avoid. To be honest, these are probably the best parts too. The only award show that comes to mind that has actually seemed to a work of love and art, both from the producers as well as everyone else involved, is the MTV Movie, Video and Music Awards.

Now I’m certain however if Duane Wells points were observed, as I list them below, that no one would ever miss a single Oscar Awards Show again.

1. Always hire a gay host. Gays are just funnier and straights are fascinated with us (especially when we refer to other people using the wrong pronouns).

2. Forget about appealing to the masses in the Red States and focus only on the gays and metrosexuals trapped in them. The masses won’t get it no matter what you do anyways.

3. Encourage all the presenters, nominees and guests to drink before the show. Drunk people say really funny things on live television.

4. Make every winner take a shot of something really strong, like tequila, before giving his or her acceptance speech.

5. Drop the delay. Don’t bleep a thing. Dare the FCC to fine you!!

6. Mix the text up on the teleprompter so that the celebrities are forced to be spontaneous when they present awards.

7. Let Anna Nicole Smith present an award at every award show.

8. Pre-record and edit Lifetime Achievement Award speeches (45 Seconds max.).

9. Encourage losing nominees to act out and express their real emotions when they lose.

10. Have every nominee write out ahead of time all the people he/she want to thank before the award is announced and run the names as a scroll across the bottom of the screen while the winner giver his/her acceptance speech.

11. Have the President of the Academy or the Association give his/her speech during the pre-show festivities (which will not not be aired).

12. Invite Melissa and Joan Rivers to bad mouth people during the show backstage live.

13. Ban Star Jones Reynolds from Hollywood and Designer fashion.

14. have male and female Go-Go Dancers dancing on the stage throughout the entire ceremony.

15. Hire Moby as the band leader for every awards show.

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Goodbye my friend. Nutmeg R.I.P. 2/20/05 11:20am


My dog Nutmeg was put to sleep on Sunday morning. It was one of the most difficult decisions I had to make. She was dying in front of my eyes, and that’s what influenced my decision in the end. That doesn’t make it any easier though.

She was 16 years old, a long time when you consider the age comparison. That would make her 111, and she was still going into heat every 6 mo’s. I hope I have her sexual fortitude when I get to that age.

I didn’t originally intend to get a second dog when I adopted her 10 years ago. At the time all I was concerned with was having my roommates 3 cats from Hell euthanized. I had brought a couple of boys with me, Jean, Stephan and their step brother Eric. They wanted their Dad to get them a dog for Christmas. i figured I’d help them look and put my two cents in with their father. As I wandered the adoption center, looking at all the animals there, I came across this little Cardigan Corgi. She’s been found wandering the island of Laval several days earlier, and no one had come to claim her. Her entire attention was focused on me. It was sort of disconcerting.

I went out for a smoke and went back into see what the boys were up to. They were concentrating on a pit bull puppy as i recall. The corgi was still waiting for me though, despite all the other people there. As I looked into her eyes my decision was made and that’s when Nutmeg, as I named her, came home with us.

She was the best decision I ever made looking back, and never have I had a more devoted pal. Regardless that she was a dog, she stood by me through thick and thin. No matter who was over at my place or giving her attention, she had only eyes for me. Daddy’s girl seems very apropos.

She was my best friend in the whole world, and will be sorely missed.

I loved you Nutmeg