Boring Award Shows

**** on a side note, I really hate the fact that MSN doesn’t allow clip/paste in this. I have had so many things fucked up because of varying problems it’s a wonder I still use this at all!! ****

Their was an article recently in in their Gay Television and Pink Tube section by Duane Wells. In it the article spoke about the recent trend of boring award shows that only seem to be televised for the sake of the people who are receiving the actual awards, their friends and family. Being televised, I’m certain that we the audience are missing out on a good portion of the show, the ones that the camera and producers deliberately avoid. To be honest, these are probably the best parts too. The only award show that comes to mind that has actually seemed to a work of love and art, both from the producers as well as everyone else involved, is the MTV Movie, Video and Music Awards.

Now I’m certain however if Duane Wells points were observed, as I list them below, that no one would ever miss a single Oscar Awards Show again.

1. Always hire a gay host. Gays are just funnier and straights are fascinated with us (especially when we refer to other people using the wrong pronouns).

2. Forget about appealing to the masses in the Red States and focus only on the gays and metrosexuals trapped in them. The masses won’t get it no matter what you do anyways.

3. Encourage all the presenters, nominees and guests to drink before the show. Drunk people say really funny things on live television.

4. Make every winner take a shot of something really strong, like tequila, before giving his or her acceptance speech.

5. Drop the delay. Don’t bleep a thing. Dare the FCC to fine you!!

6. Mix the text up on the teleprompter so that the celebrities are forced to be spontaneous when they present awards.

7. Let Anna Nicole Smith present an award at every award show.

8. Pre-record and edit Lifetime Achievement Award speeches (45 Seconds max.).

9. Encourage losing nominees to act out and express their real emotions when they lose.

10. Have every nominee write out ahead of time all the people he/she want to thank before the award is announced and run the names as a scroll across the bottom of the screen while the winner giver his/her acceptance speech.

11. Have the President of the Academy or the Association give his/her speech during the pre-show festivities (which will not not be aired).

12. Invite Melissa and Joan Rivers to bad mouth people during the show backstage live.

13. Ban Star Jones Reynolds from Hollywood and Designer fashion.

14. have male and female Go-Go Dancers dancing on the stage throughout the entire ceremony.

15. Hire Moby as the band leader for every awards show.

to view the rest of this article you really need to go to:


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