Dear Crack Cocaine

Dear Crack Cocaine,

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Looking back, I can say that we did have some good times together. Thinking back to the amounts we did, the ever-changing highs, the sexual exploration, and the people.

But until recently, I never noticed just how much everything we did do together was more for your benefit than mine.

I was the one who stayed up to all hours of the night, wondering and waiting for you to drop by.

I was the one who kept getting beaten up when I couldn’t keep up with your expenses.

I was the one who nearly lost my place and my property, just because you and your friends decided that they liked them more.

I have had ENOUGH!!!! I understand that your intentions were all meant in the spirit of fun, but I’m really getting nothing out of this relationship.

So do me one last favour. GO AWAY!!

I don’t hate you, since that would be placing all the blame on your shoulders when in fact I should be taking responsibility for my part in all this, but the fact is I just can’t associate with you any longer. You’re driving me to the brink, and I have too much to live for!!

By the time you read this, I’ll be gone. Don’t come looking for me. The phone number’s been changed as well and is now unlisted. I also have changed my primary email address. The people we used to call our friends, I no longer hang with or come anywhere near.

I’m certain you won’t be lonely for long. You’ve always been good at latching on to some dumb shmuck and suck the life out of him/her. Just make certain that it’s no one I know, or I’ll do EVERYTHING in my power to make you pay.

Christopher Peter King

Let’s talk about sex (Rehab continued)

I spoke with my therapist Dale yesterday.

This is an issue that grates on my soul, and no where is it more pronounced than here, surrounded by a bunch of gay and bi-sexual men.

It’s isolation, brought about due to a lack or limited sexual experiences, and the negativity I associate with that lack.

The Gay World, as perceived and perpetuated by the media and by the Gay World itself, seems to be all about sex. How much you’ve had, who you have done it with, how you had it, where, etc…..

When the others in my group talk, even if it’s in shame, laughter or regret, I’m continuously reminded that these are the stories which seem to bind us as a culture, other than the ones about the latest parties or drugs, and that I have nothing to contribute. I wind up feeling like some voyeur, peering through a window. Watching, but unable to touch that which I desire. I wind up walking away sometimes thinking, what’s wrong with me?

Apparently I’m not unique. That there are others like me to some degree or another, and I guess I should take solace in that. And that not everybody views my lack of experiences as a negative. Of course some do, and that in the past has made me feel horrible.

But the relief that I’m not alone is a good thing.

Knowing that that there are others who are similar is a good thing.

Now, where are they and how do I find them?

The Trial and Tribulations of Rehab

I’ve been here now for almost 3 days at the Donwoods facility of CAMH. It’s not a bad building or treatment center, although i have nothing in my experience to compare it to, with the exception of summer camp. too bad CAMH is trying to sell it, what with their desire to amalgamate the four centers spread around the city into one unit down at the former Lunatic Asylum of Ontario. they (CAMH) want to make the former asylum into one cheery nutty village http://observer.thecenter.centennialcollege.ca/features/urbanvillage020803.htm

The residents are for the most part, really cool and my group itself is both fun and amusing. it’s quite amazing what subjects crop up when you put a bunch of gay guys together in a small space, and surprisingly enough it’s not an orgy (we warned that this was “frowned on” behaviour. I also have to presume that’s because the Counsellors aren’t getting any .). I will however say that the contents of the aforementioned subjects will never be slapped with anything less than an R-Rating, so please keep your children from falling within earshot. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

moving on then…… I have already been brought to near orgasm by this Shiatsu Chair the facility has at it’s disposal, and I’ll be checking out the vibrating mattress today. thank goodness the sessions are only 15 minutes. Tai-Chi, the martial art that spells out wasting time if translated correctly is not fun when your instructor spends more time going over stance in 2 hours than actually do anything. i realize that we will only have this twice more in the next 3 week so really, we could do better with straight aerobics. some of the fatties could stand to lose a few pounds (guess they’re in here for weed).

we have a Council of Clients, a political sham if i ever could label one. we’re supposed to act as the voice of the residents, but no one’s really listening. it’s really there for photo ops or whatever in case someone politico comes to visit.

But again, i will reiterate that so far the experience is worth it. i have no idea what will come from this, aside from new tools to help me in my fight, but the memories i am acquiring here will be more than adequate looking back in reflection.

Stay Tuned!!!