I spoke with my therapist Dale yesterday.
This is an issue that grates on my soul, and no where is it more pronounced than here, surrounded by a bunch of gay and bi-sexual men.
It’s isolation, brought about due to a lack or limited sexual experiences, and the negativity I associate with that lack.
The Gay World, as perceived and perpetuated by the media and by the Gay World itself, seems to be all about sex. How much you’ve had, who you have done it with, how you had it, where, etc…..
When the others in my group talk, even if it’s in shame, laughter or regret, I’m continuously reminded that these are the stories which seem to bind us as a culture, other than the ones about the latest parties or drugs, and that I have nothing to contribute. I wind up feeling like some voyeur, peering through a window. Watching, but unable to touch that which I desire. I wind up walking away sometimes thinking, what’s wrong with me?
Apparently I’m not unique. That there are others like me to some degree or another, and I guess I should take solace in that. And that not everybody views my lack of experiences as a negative. Of course some do, and that in the past has made me feel horrible.
But the relief that I’m not alone is a good thing.
Knowing that that there are others who are similar is a good thing.
Now, where are they and how do I find them?