Mixed precipitation

I am stuffed.
Laura called me earlier to comfirm plans we had made earlier this week. She and Jon were downtown around Front Street, and wanted to go out for Chinese.

I was thrilled.
Originally I had planned, as mentioned in a previous blog, that I intended to go to Nathan Phillips Square to see the WinterCity ice sculptures, but what with the with the weather and all….
So, Jon, with Laura in the passenger seat, drove all the way up here, in somewhat nasty road conditions (what is referred to as "mixed precipitation, so the street are messy. Should’ve head the sirens last night, what with all the accidents and all during rush hour. Around 500 accidents apparently, according to Global National), picked me up, and then drove all the way back down to a little place near Bay and Dundas.


The food was great, plenty of conversation, and a chance, finally to just be with my sis and her hubby.
Afterward, we made a quick dash to Best Buy.
Seems Jon has stolen Laura’s iMac once again, and she’s now shopping around for a cheap replacement. I don’t know why she would have thought she would have found anything cheap there, so she’s either going to see what’s posted out there on eBay, or go to what I refer to as "Computer Alley" just west of Spadina on College, where there are over 20 small computer stores, so competition is fierce, and bartering acceptable.
I would like to go down there soon as well, to purchase a new graphics card. I’m thinking either a G-force 6000 or Radeon 9000, so I can play some of the PC games I’ve developed some interest in, like Star Trek : Legacy or Final Fantasy XI online. There’s also the new World of Warcraft tempting me.
Drew has just called, to comfirm that he has deposited his rent into my account, and is on his way back from his shopping excursion.
Drew’s home now; he had to walk all the way back from Sherbourne/Gerrard (Yikes), although he did manage to get on the subway, where, can you imagine? He bumped into Eric Peterson from Corner Gas.

How come I never have these chance happenings occur?
Drew has just informed me that when I "killed" the spare computer, I fried the Intel Pentium 3 chip. Oops.

Quiting, plans and other sundries


Geezum, it’s cold out there. A warning has been out, and rightly so, as temperatures plummet to well below minus 20 degrees tonight.

I quit my position as Tenant Representative last night. Probably a good decision. Right now I cannot serve my building properly when it feels like my head’s moving in several directions at once.

I’m still going to work with the residents of my building, but that’s about it. I have also just been made aware that a good portion of the reason I have been having so many difficulties with CHU were the contractual arrangements that were made with Greenwin, which limits CHU’s involvement in this building, in fact every building that Greenwin runs for the TCHC.
In other words, although all TCHC building are to be treated equally, some are more equal than others. Ugh…

Curtis came by last night to talk me out of quitting, but once he realized that the decision had been made, we hashed out a game plan as to what to do next.
This means working on my ODSP and finding me a counsellor. Curtis has some connections with COTA, so I might be able to get a reference through him, instead of Dr. Hailu, the resident doctor I go to see at Women’s College Hospital.

Other than that. it was a wonderful afternoon at the Community Center downstairs, despite the cold.
It was filled with warmth and laughter, and I was glad I was able to be a part of it again.
I’ve missed it so.

Got an evite from Paul Eckford, who I know from the days when I was attending the Coming Out / Being Out at the 519 Community Center, for his birthday party, to be held next Saturday, Fabruary 3rd.

WinterCity also starts today. I’m hoping to go check out the ice statue display down at Nathan Phillips Square this weekend

What’s the point?

Seems the reason my sister Laura didn’t call me when I was on the verge of a breaking point, mentally, on Monday was because it was the return of 24 and Prison Break.
And she wonders why I don’t bother calling her when I’m in trouble….
What a bloody excuse.
Oh, and the "you could have tried calling again, or used my cell"….She has FUCKING CALL VIEW, and screens her calls for Christ sake, so really what difference would that have made?
Would I have stood a better chance than Jack Bower on 24, as he watched a nuclear explosion mushroom over L.A., set off my Islamic fundamentalists (something Fox TV said they would never portray for fear of insulting fellow Americans).
Let’s face it Christopher…The only person’s feelings Laura seems concerned with these days are her own.
The fact that she called me back a day later, maybe to have discovered that it might have been a day "too late", is meaningless in her world.
There’s no point even trying to point this out to her, as she’ll just get upset. Perhaps even hanging up.
It’s no wonder she left Toronto Public Health for the private sector. PubHealth would have fired her sorry ass eventually for a lack of sensitivity and empathy with their clientelle.  And yet, she’ll professes to care.
Bah! Whatever.
It’s no wonder my mother is on the verge of cutting her second child off at the knees.
Laura is a loving person, when she WANTS to be.
It’s the rest of the time you have to be concerned about.
I do love my sister.
She can be a wonderful asset on occasions, and I know she loves me, but she’s married, has a career. Why would she want to drag herself down all the time just because I can’t handle life?
I’m so confused.
So far, in my quest for help I have called COTA Health for help, only to be asked to get my doctor to refer me to them???
Even if I do get referred, there’s a 30 day waiting period at the least.
I have tried calling my CHU Health Promotional Officer….still waiting on that one. Not holding my breath
Toronto Works finally will be providing me with my financial comp for January and February, but is going to do nothing after that. Yet, the Ontario Government encourages people to volunteer.
But there’s a catch. The Government figures that the only reason you should be volunteering is to gain skills for employment.
I volunteer because if I didn’t, I would completely cut myself off from humanity, so not only am I getting something out of it,so is the community/building. Filling the niches where skilled labourers refuse to work.
Wasn’t that the whole point to an extent?

What about all those people that don’t do anything except take up space, cash their monthly allowance and give nothing back to the community? That’s not right.


Ok, so this is all about a whopping extra $100/month, but it makes a big difference to me, and if Toronto Works is going to use the excuse of Provincial Legislation providing only a finite period for volunteering, then ….. what?
I woud like to know why you would cut someone off at the knees after 6 months of volunteering.
Some of us are borderline individuals ; not employable in the mainstream but not unhealth enough to be elegible for ODSP.
Sometimes, this is the only outlet we have to maintain contact with humanity, and your department’s finite period for a transportation allowance in this case causes irreperable damage to those who you would call "clients".
The title itself is a farce, for if we were clients, our needs would be respected more.
Why not just call us serfs and be done with it.
My volunteer work is my life.
For $100/month to fill a niche position, acting as the Tenant Rep / librarian in my building…. That’s not asking a lot.
Anyhow, I’ve since spoken with Curtis Palmer; he’s stopping by after 21h30 to try to figure something out for me.
I have an appointment with my TW Social Worker on the 7th of February, where I’m going to once again try to get my ODSP forms, and from there…. I have no idea. I’m not even certain if they will allow me the forms again.
Why does it seem sometimes, that there are no open doors for me to pass through. Just a series of dead ends in hallways that lead no where.

Much better

" Enough with dwelling — it’s time to start living. So like James Brown once said, get up offa that thing. Go dancing. Walk everywhere. Say hello to people you pass everyday, but se names you can’t remember"
16h47 : Ok, so maybe there’s more to these horoscope thingies than I originally supposed. Sometimes they even provide good advice.
At least today’s forecast made my day lighter. Better mood,
busy afternoon at the Community Library, slight scare when I thought I had lost all the info on the books I had entered
into the data base….Found it though (phew)
Chatted with Pamela, Renee AND….for a couple of seconds,
Mary, so things are looking good today, despite the overhead
I’ll be coming back to this Space later on. I need to start adding all the links I used to love putting in.
I don’t know…. people say I fill my Space up with crap,
but it’s my crap so
Anyhow, now that supper’s stewing (literally) I am off to bathe Corky. He’s smelling a wee bit too much like a dog for my taste, and that’s going to change fast if he expects to
be sleeping beside me tonight (LOL)

The remainder of a crappy day

The rest of today has been oh, so shitty.
Between killing our spare computer, the staff retiling the
bathroom doing a half-ass job (see picture), being the first, then last person at the food bank…..
Finally, once again I have broken the wooden antelope that
was my grand-mothers.
Mom had just re-glued it over the Holidays from the last
accident, and now I have broken it even worse, along with the carved dolphin my sister brought back from the Carribean.
All I can say is that I was glad Drew was here, to help, with his dilligence and unspoken desire just to help.
We found all the pieces. I don’t know what would/could have happened if he hadn’t been around.
Things were really shaky for a little while
At least I was able to glue the dolphin back together.
I don’t know if I can do the same with the antelope.

Sleep, social workers and the mess that is counselling and mental health

I don’t know why I’m having so much trouble waking up these days.
I set the alarm clock for 08h30, jic the maintenance staff, Boris or Siva, show up to do the retiling, and then immediately go back to sleep after I shut if off.
Mom calls around 10h30, to tell me the BOM still hasn’t recvd my monies from Toronto Work. This is for the volunteer work I contribute so much of my time too…
I woke up fine then as well.Finished the conversation,said my goodbyes, rolled over and back to sleep.
When I finally make a concerted affort to put an end to this affair, it’s like I’m trying to crawl through tar, slowly pushing my consciousness towards the "real world".
My subconscious will even sometimes attempt to trick me, by creating semi-realistic scenarios to distract me for a time, until I catch on and proceed onwards again.
WTF is going on?
Is there something going on inside me, that just prefers escapism? This is what I’m calling it for now.
Something I just am not prepared to deal with?
Too bad the social worker, Karen Burell at Woman’s College Hospital, dropped my case, after she screwed up twice with my appointments. I got upset, left a voice message as well as an email, telling her frustruated and upset I was with her inability to coordinate her schedule with her clients properly, so it’s clearly my fault now she refuses to deal with me.
Couldn’t even tell me herself.
Instead, she has her manager, Katherine call me up, give me the heave ho, and tells me they have no one else at Woman’s College to serve their clients needs in lieu. If there’s a problem with ‘tween Karen and client, client gets the boot and has to seek someone else off site.
A troubling solution if there are "difficulties", but also tells me that the social worker at Woman’s College could care less really, about the true mental health of her patient, and is backed up by the same typo which makes up her management.
This is what comes from hiring outsiders who work independantly. Who get to pick and choose their clients, as opposed to actually having to work the trenches. They’ll choose them from the flotsam, and leave the jetsam continuing to bump around underneath, left to their own devices.
No wonder there are so many people with real problems wandering the streets these days, while the ones being served are having troubles relating to their cat.
This is has been the biggest source of frustruation from the time I moved here.
Since the merger of ARF and the Clarke’s, I keep slipping through the cracks.
I’m not mental enough to be considered one way or another, so it’s easier to sluff me off then deal with me.
In the meanwhile, I’ll just keep trying to tread the waters, and hope I don’t drown before someone reaches out and takes some responsibility for my health.
8 years and counting so far.
my arms are beginning to get tired.

Good morning, or at this stage, good afternoon.
Woke up to the sound of breaking glass. Ie. the one that had been sitting beside me on my night table.
Damn those flailing arms.
Drew quickly grabbed Corky and went out for a walk. Smart man. He knows now when to cut and run for the hills.
So with great grumblings (read : cursing and swearing), I yanked out the vacuum and gave the area a good once-over. Last thing I need todo is get a plinter of glass in my foot when I wake up tomorrow. I’m already an unpleasant enough person that I don’t need the extra incentive.
Currently, I’m sitting in front of my computer, tinkering.
I had this incredible
epiphany that the reason my Shareaza program wasn’t downloading fast enough to my liking was due to the recent update of my Zone Alarm Pro.
Figured that I would try this Comodo Firewall Pro, that has been raved about recently.
Works well enough, until it comes to figuring out how to configure the TCP and UP ports to allow for file sharing. Limewire is supposed to be able to configure itself around these things, but even it got lost somewhere around Albequerque.
Sure, I suppose I could read the manual, figure out how and all, but being lazy I have decided to install my original firewall again.
All this so I can rewatch the first season of Doctor Who (2005)
Now that Season one of Torchwood is over, I need something to give me my Tardis fix, plus Captain Jack.
Library reno’s went ok today. At least some folks showed up. Should have been more. Guess there’s been a breakdown in communications somewhere. Hope it gets fixed, and soon.
Tomorrow, I have to get up earlier than usual. Getting my bathroom floor retiled. Yay!!