Why the office Christmas Party is doomed


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human   Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1,  2009
RE: Gala Christmas  Party
I’m happy to inform you that  the  company Christmas Party will take  place
on December 23rd, starting at  noon in  the private function room at the
Grill House. There will be a cash  bar and  plenty of drinks!   We’ll have a
small band playing traditional  carols… feel  free to sing along. And
don’t  be surprised if our CEO shows up  dressed as Santa Claus!   A Christmas
tree will  be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of  gifts among employees can be
done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of
gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This  gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special  announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and  your family,
Patty
Company  Memo
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FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human  Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE:  October 2,  2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was  yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish  employees.
We recognize that Hanukkah is an  important holiday, which often  coincides
with Christmas, though  unfortunately not this year. However, from now  on,
we’re calling it our "Holiday  Party."  The same policy applies to any
other employees who are not  Christians and to those still celebrating
Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas  carols will
be sung.  We will have  other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your  family,
Patty
Company  Memo
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FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human  Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3,  2009
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding  the note I  received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a  non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m  happy to
accommodate this   request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only",
you wouldn’t be anonymous  anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about  the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed
since the union members feel that  $10.00 is too much money and the executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE  WILL BE  ALLOWED.
Company  Memo
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FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human  Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE:  October 4,  2009
RE: Generic Holiday  Party
What a diverse group  we  are! I had no idea that December 20th begins  the
Muslim holy month  of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking  during
daylight hours. There goes  the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how  a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim  employees’
beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill  House can hold off on serving your meal until the
end  of the party or else package  everything for you to take it home in
little  foil doggy baggy. Will that  work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for  members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest  to the
restrooms.
Gays are  allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit  with
Gay men, each group will have  their own table. Yes, there will be flower
arrangement for the Gay men’s table.
To the person asking   permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks
that no cross-dressing  be allowed, apparently because of concerns  about
confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.
We will have booster seats for  short people.
Low-fat food will  be  available for those on a diet..
I am sorry to report that we  cannot control the amount of salt used in
the food . The Grill House  suggests that  people with high blood pressure
taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low  sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but  the
restaurant cannot supply   "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss  anything?!?!?
Patty
Company  Memo
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FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human  Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing  Employees
DATE: October 5,  2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday  Party
I’ve had  it with you vegetarian pricks!!!   We’re going to keep this
party at the Grill House  whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at
the table furthest  from the  "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it,
and you’ll get your  f*%^ing  salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But
you  know, tomatoes have feelings,  too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve
heard them scream.  I’m hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing  wierdos can kiss  my *ss. I hope you all have  a
rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and  die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
Company  Memo
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FROM:  Joan Bishop,  Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6,  2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday  Party
I’m sure I speak for all of  us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy  recovery
and I’ll continue to forward  your cards to her.
In the meantime, management  has decided to cancel our Holiday  Party  and
give everyone the afternoon of  the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan

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