Toronto Harbour Light Ministries Spiritual Journal #2

1. How would I describe my life today?
   Well, it certainly could be better, and yet I’m not 100% miserable all the time either.

   My apartment is subsidized, and paid off monthly automatically, so that’s a significant expense I don’t have to be overly concerned with. Not like how it was once upon a time when I had to dip into my monthly allowance to cover the balance of my marketplace rent.

   I’m on ODSP, and although some people clamour about how that’s a barely livable income, I’m not hurting either. My services bills are paid, and with the exception of my credit cards, both maxed out thanks to cash withdrawals to a total amount of just less than $1500 to pay for my crack-cocaine binges, I still am able to feed myself healthily and set some money aside for rainy days expenses.

   I have a family that loves and supports me, although they can get quite exasperated on occasions by some of the situations I have got myself into.

   I don’t have a paid job, but I have dedicated a good portion of my free time to outreach and advocacy within my TCHC community, and have earned the respect of my fellow residents.

2.  How would you describe your illness (addiction/mental health)?
   My mental health illnesses on the other hand, desperately need work. My lifelong struggle with ADHD exasperates everything I see, feel and do. The redevelopment of my high rise building has been a bit quite overwhelming in the past few years. Not just to the residents, but to TCHC staff assigned here as well, with many of them leaving the agency due to mental, physical and emotional exhaustion.

   Without their support, I’ve far too often had to deal with critical issues entirely on my own, weakening my own mental reserves. I’m isolating, suffering from depression, exhaustion, and anxiety. There are times that all I feel is a stifling foreboding of impeding crisis, and this has led me back to an addiction I had thought done and over with almost a decade now.

3. How do I express my spirituality?
   By trying to be of service to others within my community who are unable or unwilling to advocate for themselves, and being grateful for their respect and trust in me.
4. What kind of practices enhances your spirituality? I volunteer within my community, offering both my time and skills to try and improve the lives of my fellow residents.
5. What is especially meaningful to me now?
   My health, my family and my community.
6. For what do I live?
   I want to help improve my community. Make it a thriving, liveable one, where people are happy and feel connected to the world around them, despite their individual challenges.
7. What is important to me now?
   I would like to regain my sense of dignity and self-worth.
8. How has having an addiction or a mental illness made any difference for you in what or how you believe?
   I feel that both have made me more sympathetic and open-minded to the plight of others. To try and be more accepting of people’s quirks and foibles.
9. How do I handle feelings such as anger, doubt, resentment, guilt, bitterness and depression?
   Anger can be a difficult one, in part due to the ADHD. I get angry often, and it burns hot but quick. Sometimes though it can explode in a destructive wave, but I generally know when that’s coming and try to do my best to get everyone clear in time. I’m scared of that aspect of me.

   Doubt is a constant state of being, always sitting there at the back of my head questioning my every action, even when I know for certain it’s the correct one.

   Bitterness and Resentment are one and the same. I try and talk these out and then let them go. I’m not too fond of nursing grudges longer than a few days. Sometimes though, especially if the same individual or situation gets compounded by one abuse  after another, it can be very difficult to not internalize, which in turn can lead to my becoming irritable, argumentative, and spiteful .

   My episodes of Depression suck. I isolate, feel lonely, sad and anxious. I’ll hideaway in bed, sometimes for up to 48 hours of on and off sleep. I forget to shower and lose interest in food and water.

10. How does my spirituality influence how I respond to such feelings?
     It’s a work in progress
11. Where do I get the love, courage, strength and hope and peace that I need?
     More often than I get those from my family and the few friends I have here in my neighbourhood. That being said,  I could definitely use some more communal support though, to draw upon when necessary.